


Lactose Intolerant

by Horsegirl_PanickedKilljoy



Series: Band Members Doing Questionable Things On The Internet [1]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Trauma, M/M, Milk, Ryden, Weird, anyway characters are scarred by the internet, crack!fic, i tag fics like I tag on Tumblr and I'm really really not sorry, oddly not that much gay, really not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horsegirl_PanickedKilljoy/pseuds/Horsegirl_PanickedKilljoy
Summary: After Spencer and Jon read a certain piece of literature, they are apprehensive about letting Brendon and Ryan in a bathroom alone together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> HaHA this is a complete crack fic and we're not sorry. 
> 
> Disclaimer: this is set in a 2006 that has the milk fic, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also we don't own band members, the milk fic, and also this is not meant to represent actual events. 
> 
> Also: We mean no disrespect to the author of the milk fic by writing this. She has balls to post something like that online so kudos to her.

Jon slams his laptop shut. His face has taken on the hue of a sickly green color, the color draining away and his eyes flashing in horror at what he has just read. Spencer is slowly backing away from the machine, looking as though he might pass out.

“I never ever want to go on the internet ever again.” Spencer says slowly, eyeing the laptop. Jon nods adamantly, attempting to erase the words from his mind. He has now just begun to appreciate the lyric “ _picking up things we shouldn’t read.”_

Both boys startle at the sound of footsteps bounding up to them. They wince visibly when they see that it is Brendon and Ryan.

“Have you seen my eyeliner?” Ryan sounds distracted, and is uncomfortably close to the boy walking next to him. Jon’s eyes widen when their hands brush, and flashbacks of what he has just read rush back to him.

“Jon, you alive, dude?” Brendon waves a hand in front of his eyes. Jon blinks and backs away a few steps.

“Yeah no I’m fine. U-uh, what was that Ryan?”  
Spencer looks like he can’t decide which is worse, the two boys or the offending machine behind him. Eventually, he settles on standing somewhere between them.

“My eyeliner. I can’t find it.”

Brendon nods, looking worried. “Ry can’t go on stage without his eyeliner. Have you seen it?”

Spencer shifts away and Jon pales at the pet name. Brendon looks between them, confused.

“Guys, what’s wrong? You look a little…scared.”

Spencer coughs loudly, and Jon jumps a little.

“Nothing,” he says, far too quickly for it to be convincing, but Brendon doesn’t question him. Ryan looks at them suspiciously, before shaking his head and grabbing Brendon’s hand.

“Whatever. Maybe it’s in the bathroom, I’ve got to do the rest of my makeup anyway.”

When Ryan's hand curls around Brendon's, Jon lets out a sound like a cat being strangled. Spencer glances at him, he himself repressing a sound akin to a malfunctioning blender.

Brendon shoots them one last confused look and let’s Ryan pull him into the bathroom.

“Uh, can you…leave the door open? Please?” Jon’s voice is oddly high pitched, but Spencer nods his agreement. Ryan shakes his head incredulously.

“Why does it matter if we leave the door open?”

“Even better,” Spencer suggests, “you could do your makeup out here. Where we can see you.”

“Why?” Brendon stares at them. “We’re not ten, we can do our makeup without “adult supervision”.”

He places air quotes around the final two words. Spencer nods.

“Correct. And ten year olds don’t do their makeup, so really it doesn’t matter that you aren’t ten.”

“Are you sure you guys didn’t do any drugs when we weren’t looking?” Ryan says, as he begins to disappear back into the bathroom. Jon squeaks in terror.

“Have you been on Tumblr again?” Brendon asks suspiciously. “You know that the internet likes to, uh, ship people who aren’t really dating.”

“Just…can you do your makeup out here?” Jon asks desperately, in a last ditch attempt to prevent the scarring that is sure to come.

Brendon shakes his head and looks at Spencer and Jon like they need to be put in a mental hospital.

“No,” he says and disappears into the bathroom.

“Just…stay away from the bathtub!” Jon calls after him. He hears the distinct click of a lock.

“Fuck,” Spencer moans, entirely done for the day. Jon slumps down into a chair and tries to cleanse his brain.

“At least there’s not any milk in there,” Jon says in an attempt to comfort him.

Spencer just groans.

 

“What are they on?” Brendon giggles, maintaining his steady gaze at the ceiling as Ryan carefully lines his eyes.

“You’re jiggling. Stop, I’ll have to redo this,” Ryan chastises gently. Brendon stills.

“Sorry. But for real, what’s wrong with them? I think I head Spencer say something about milk.”

“Huh.” Ryan finishes Brendon’s right eye with a flourish and begins on his left. “I think I’ve seen something in my Twitter mentions about milk. I wonder what they’re talking about.”

Brendon shrugs, his hands gripping the edge of the chair to stay still.

“And there’s no bathtub in here, this is a dressing room bathroom. So what was that about?”

Ryan shakes his head. “I don’t know. Hey, do you have your laptop in here?”

Brendon shakes his head.

“I have my phone though. Uh, I guess we’ll search your name and milk since it’s been in your twitter mentions.”

Quickly, Brendon types ‘ _Ryan Ross Milk’_ into Google and presses search.

And he clicks on the fanfiction that Spencer and Jon had been reading earlier.

“Uh there’s a fanfiction titled Milk, maybe that’s it.”

Brendon begins to read it out loud, trying to decide how bad it could really be. A paragraph in, it becomes apparent why Spencer and Jon had looked so freaked out.

“Stop, stop. That’s it.” Ryan snatches Brendon’s phone and places it carefully out of his reach. Brendon looks dazed, his brain attempting to process what he had just read.

“Oh,” he says in a small voice, looking over to Ryan. Ryan motions for him to hand him the eyeliner.

“That was…graphic.” Ryan decides, going back to lining Brendon’s eyelid. Brendon’s eyes widen and he stares him.  
“Graphic? That was us! And milk! Where milk shouldn’t go.”

Ryan chuckles slightly and leans over to look into the mirror and do his own makeup.

“Like I said, graphic. But we have to go on stage soon, and I don’t want the _entire_ band freaking out over this. It’s just words, Bren.”

“Yeah,” Brendon says, looking thoroughly unconvinced, “But still. That was fucked up.”

“You know,” Ryan reflects, drawing lines on his cheek, “To maximize Spencer’s and Jon’s emotional trauma, I think we should come out to them today.”

Brendon knows an evil plan when he hears one, and hastens to agree.

 

After their stage makeup is finished, the boys exit the bathroom wearing matching grins. Spencer looks at them suspiciously and Jon jumps in his seat.

“Hey guys,” Ryan comments nonchalantly, reaching over to grab Brendon’s hand. He grins at the expressions that appear on Spencer’s and Jon’s faces.

“Guys,” Brendon greets, unable to contain his grin, “My _boyfriend_ and I are ready. When are we on again?”

It’s comical how wide Jon’s eyes get, and how pale Spencer’s skin becomes.

“You…together?” Jon squeaks, looking as though he wants to fall through a hole and never return.

“Yeah.” Brendon confirms, further solidifying the fact by planting a gentle kiss on Ryan’s lips. Ryan smiles into the kiss, and they have to break apart when Brendon begins to giggle.

“Ry baby,” he says, smirking at Ryan. “I’m thirsty. Do we have any milk?”

Jon falls out of his chair and Spencer closes his eyes and rests his head in his hands.

Brendon wonders how long they can use emotional trauma against the two, and pulls Ryan after him in search of a quiet place to make out.

 

 

 


End file.
